Updated: Sep 18, 2018
I've been struggling with a shame since I remember.
Shame was like an unkind friend who was with me almost everywhere,
like a force that was there preventing me of doing things I wanted.
I had learned that shame is saved in our dna and body,
when unpleasant things and traumas happened to us, we start to shame ourselves.
It is also something we have experienced maybe all ready in the womb and what we have learned from our mothers.I don't blame my mother but I have learned to dislike my body also because I saw how she always shamed her body even that she was beautiful in my eyes.
I had big issues with my body for all my life until this something changed.
I always felt that I am not thin enough, I am not tall enough, I am not pretty enough and I limited myself so much.
I was very young, like 7 years old when I remember this first shame.
I started my school and well, in one sport class I just felt I am too fat comparing to thinnest girls in a room..
It was a start. I had really big problems with myself, eating disorders and self hatred for many, many years.
There were some mean words, mean looks, and what ever that pushed me that way,
but I WAS the person who was feeling all that. And I could also leave it behind.
With this shame issue it felt that there is no end of this thing.
I builded limits for myself,
I left things done because of it.
There was a feeling following me, that I am not enough, that there is always something wrong, that somehow I was born to be less than others.
But things changed , after I gave birth to my beautiful son I really started to love my body- my body was so strong it created a human!
And with all this LOVE I healed my shame issue.
I healed my emotional eating, too with self love just like that and I stopped to punish myself about enjoying the life.I became to be a woman who loves herself ,with all my curves and accepting myself just the way I am.
And that is really amazing key to things.This last summer was actually first one I felt I didn't shame my body anymore ,and I enjoyed public beaches I didn't before.
And how crazy is that! How much we can limit ourselves!
I never was even over weighted but still I carried this shame with me.But now I am free!
I have also found a great healing method for body traumas, it is WATER!
Most of our bodies is water, so with a bathing and good intentions you can do miracles.
Water can repair your dna , especially salt water.
I had amazing experience in a floating tank few weeks ago.
Wow,it was so strong experience!
First I felt like I was in my mother's womb, and I started to cry , a lot.
Then I saw my life passing in my mind, unpleasant pictures and memories..I cried ..But in the end I saw a lady, like ancient Atlantic water priestess, she gave her hand to me.
I felt she was my higher self.
After this experience I felt so much lighter.
I will continue this process again with floating tank session in Helsinki BCE.
Let see what will happened next time!
I want to write still about a shame, but different kind.
When I crew up as a young adult I was kind of a lost with myself.
Like I told you before my lifestyle went into a hard party style, I was practically self destroyable with all my habits of living..
I did so many stupid things what I could be shamed of all my life .
I cause so much pain to myself.
I could be so shamed about myself in those years but I AM NOT.
I looked at my old photos, I was so superficial back then, I really made a big effort about how I looked and it was the main thing I did think about.
Before in was shamed about myself in those years because I felt I was stupid back then,
but I am not shamed anymore.
It was a part of my life, part of my story.
With accepting myself the way I am, I started to be stronger woman.
And this is the way, I started to live this shame behind me.
ACCEPTANCE is the key.
When I started to accept myself to way I am, with all the mistakes I did and with all the weaknesses I actually started to love myself.
Before I was shamed about who I was before.
But I understood, that life is an adventure and I am awesome with every aspects of me.
We all have our issues and things to shame about, but why should waste life for that?
Everybody does mistakes, and it is part of the life adventure.
And with accepting our shadows and weaknesses we can transform them into our power.
Like Rumi said : " Wound is the place where light goes in".
Love, Eeva Maria Leino